i made it a few miles today before i recognized any pain. this is sort of a big deal because two weeks ago i was feeling spirited and up for a run. made it about 150 yards before i couldn't continue. frustrating when you have so much energy to release and you're literally trapped in this injured state. the few miles means that i am certainly on the mend although it probably won't be until the springtime that i'm back 200% and running 6:30 miles.
the run today confirmed any doubts that i had about not running the bridge race. i had a great time last year and placed 7 in my age group. i'm not having fun unless it's a competition. a race to me is still a race and i won't run unless i think i am going to beat my previous time. i know i can run over the bridge. that isn't the point. and i'm not saying that i don't run for the sheer joy and beauty of being out there. i do. that's why i run. but there's running, and then there's racing. i sail every day because i love to sail. but when we race, dammit, i'm in it to win it.
i've been helping the race director the past few days distribute numbers and answer questions about the race, so i've met about half of the competitors already. i see a race from a completely new perspective. i've never paid attention before to the back of the pack runners. you show up with your friends, see if the usual competition is lurking by the start area, worry about your individual time, check the results, grab your prize, and go home. you don't see the people who finish behind you. you only see the people who finish in front of you. a lot of people have come to me and confided that this is their first race and wanted me to quell some of their race day fears. i'm very inspired by these people who race just to finish. seeing the finish line gives them such a sense of accomplishment- i saw that same excitement in their eyes when i handed them their number and gave them four pins. "have a great run!" i say with a wink. jealous for several reasons- jealous that running four miles excites them- i don't even feel the same sense of joy after marathons. and jealous that they can run a race without the pressure of actually racing.
ah, those were the days. my recreational marijuana use of running days. by 2006, it escalated to a cocaine high with distance running. and then marathons are my heroin that i need to achieve the same euphoria. i'm not sure how many years it took to not even realize the high anymore. just be numb to it. but you're using because you're addicted. the withdrawal would be agonizing.... which sent me questioning my love for the sport this summer. i'm not doing it because i love it. i'm doing it because i can't not do it. i do what i do because that's what i do.
and suddenly, i'm hurt. just like that. (if anyone can recall my bicycle entry, i described putting energy out into the universe- i didn't want my bike anymore, and flirted with the notion of purchasing a new one. a week later, it was stolen. i was forced to purchase a new one. when i saw someone else riding my bike, i got jealous and stole it back.) this is an analogous tale here with the running. in retrospect, i questioned myself why my pure love of the sport was beginning to waver. maybe it had to do something with my busy work and social obligations? for whatever reason, the pure joy that i got out of weekend jogs was waning. not only were my runs not making me happy, but i was unhappy that my runs were not making me happy. and then i could not run. perhaps it was that i wanted to chose whether i did or did not run. i did not want an injury to chose for me.
so the grass is always greener. you don't know what you have until it's gone. i think i needed to have something sideline me to make me realize how dearly i missed frolicking at FDR under the sunday springtime sun. and at Tyler through the dead leaves in the winter. over Neshaminy Creek. And down the dark streets of Newport summer nights. i'm sad that i took it for granted. i'm sorry, running. i'll never leave you again. :-)
No comments:
Post a Comment