whhelll, now that we're on the subject of digestion, (lemon water is going well, by the way) i thought this would be a good time as any to share with you a revelation that has changed my life for the better. it didn't start out with this blog article, by the way.
i guess we could rewind all the way back to last spring. i had fallen deathly ill somehow the week following the broad street run (not running related) and had a terrible flu. while going to the bathroom one morning, i performed my morning business in the usual manner but noticed something awful in the final product: i was hemorrhaging. my insides were coming out. this was it. the end. i was in my death throes. no, really. there was blood on the toilet paper. what the... holy hell! woah. after the obligatory self inspection (shut up- you would, too!) things seemed normal. nothing down there felt damaged or sliced open or painful, so this was all rather turning out to be a fast mystery. what else was i to do but assume my intestines were bleeding? the Broad Street Run had killed me. i schlepped my sick self into the doctor (not because i had the flu) but because, dammit, i was leaking life fluid. Actually, strike that from the record. I didn't. I believe it was my boyfriend who carted my ass off kicking and screaming to the emergency clinic in a rare act of concern for anyone but himself. As i explained earlier, i am a RUNNER. we are very cavalier in discussing bodily functions. if you're weak hearted, i suggest you stop right here because it's only going to get weirder.
So I'm at the family clinic and the doctor woman explained to me that somehow i damaged a hemorrhoid all the way up in there.. like, ALL the way up in there. like, beyond my reasonable available reach. and there was nothin i could do about it. and i should calm down because my stomach, spleen, and intestines are not about to all come flopping out of my ass at any moment as per my visions. (we Di Renzos have learned to assume the worst) i wasn't using the toilet any more than usual (aside from vomiting) i wasn't constipated, i wasn't wiping myself violently... with pinecones. in fact, i had eaten very little that week, and most of what i ate came back up. other than that, i consume a fiberous diet and things were going smoothly if you know what i mean. so what was causing this? whatever. without even knowing it, i could have been straining in an effort to produce forth evidence that I was in fact consuming nutritious matter. who knows.
so what am i getting at here?
fast forward to April 2012. we're having a dinner party with some of our nearest and dearest up in newport, and some friends were in from out of town. Mark* (names will be changed to protect the guilty... NO. just kidding! haha!) had recently taken a job in the ergonomic furniture industry, and was very excited to share with us all this new venture of desks, and chairs, and body positions, etc. BUT: because we're us, the discussion at the dinner table inevitably ended up about poop. we sat around the table enjoying our delicious pasta dinner discussing the merits of dropping a deuce whilst in the squatting position. it seemed that everyone had something to say regarding this lesson, and the eventual consensus was that we all deemed this to be an ingenious practice. I had never heard of this theory before, but the health benefits are seemingly impressive, and if what they say is true, i may never have an ass bleeding scare EVER again. fingers crossed. I highly recommend everyone read this article: Don't Just Sit There! I'm pretty sure that after that dinner colloquy, everyone at the table went off into their own little direction that evening and had been waiting for their first chance to test this technique. I know I did. will i ever poop sitting down again? probably not as my experience with the new method was earth shattering. I thought about it for a while, and my feeling was this: taking a shit is kind of a ridiculous activity to begin with, so in the moment of action, your dignity is pretty much compromised as much as it will ever be, so you have nothing to lose by assuming the champion squat position. you may as well snuggle up into the most efficient squat possible and try it while no one is looking. (as i assume you all poop in private as it is?) or hell, have someone look. if you're into that sort of thing. either way, give it a go and see for yourself. and say nothing more.
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